November 16, 2015

[Fill in the blank] is not stirred

The last week or so has been the week(s) of the crappiest things. Terrorism and policy changes and whole-family stomach viruses. 

The only upside to any of those is that a stomach virus, turns out, is a highly successful diet plan. 

The Virus Diet protocol: 

1. Send your child to any school or public setting, especially Chuck E. Cheese's.

2. Child bites fingernails or picks food up off of the ground to eat it. Also probably forgot to eat breakfast, and mom did not verify.

3. Virus starts as an upset stomach that you promise them is just because they need to poop. 

4. Receive call from school nurse that child has vomited at school and probably told nurse that you made them to go to school even though they previously mentioned an upset stomach. Or told them that you watch Dance Moms

5. You start to feel sick right as you have finished volunteering to hand water cups to everyone at a 2K-person race. (not an actual event, but a fake scenario that will now haunt all of my future trips through a race water stop)

6. Even though you declare you are sick first, your spouse acts sicker. And potentially fakes a second vomit to not have to be the first one to get up when the next kid blows chunks. 

Bam, no one eats for three days. 

Guaranteed to lose at least five pounds on this plan. If you are looking for more, you could try the Flu Followed by Virus a Week Later plan. 

Once my mom told me that she was trying the Concentration Camp Diet, and she was not trying to be funny. She heard about it on TV. Probably making Benjamin Franklin regret finding electricity. 

With all of these sad thoughts crowding the week, I decided it was time to make family cards to send out. 

I couldn't decide whether to go with this deceivingly depressing (or depressingly deceiving) quote about happiness from Henry David Thoreau: 

Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder. 

Trying to be happy is so 2014. Like Diesel Jettas and the ice bucket challenge. 

Or should the card stick with the mood at the start of this post:

I am usually a very peaceful person but this is making me very warlike at this time. I will step on every one of your heads using your skulls as stepping stones to the river that is the street. And then I will take hot tea and take a sip of it spit it into each and every one of your mouths. Sure, it'll burn me. But it'll burn you twice. Burn me once with tea, shame on me. Burn you twice in your own mouth, shame on everyone involved! (Candace, Portlandia)

And in the interest of all things that didn't make the Christmas card cut, I present the Enoch is Not Stirred series. Similar to Enoch is Not Impressed, but that was taken. Plus, Enoch is Not Stirred is way more Downton Abbey than "not impressed."

Sharing because it makes the least sense of all the things.

Sure as the middle child, Enoch possesses the physical ability to smile for family pictures. 

Proof it can happen.

But why smile, if you can use family photos as a platform for your disappointment in any given activity?

Family reunion, 2010, the original Enoch is Not Stirred. Breaking your arm on a zipline is a pretty good excuse.


This year's family vacation provided the rest of my night's entertainment, as Enoch was not stirred over and over again, rendering almost 90% of group pictures too weird for the Christmas card. 

Here Enoch looks thrilled to see some of the largest trees on the entire planet. 



Space Needle, face needle. Both sound awful. Who needs it?


Doing whatever I want for a whole afternoon in a groomed park, ugh, why?


Going with the obvious choice in a whole family photo, frown city. 



This was a full-out photo rebellion because his siblings (and a million other tourists who were waiting to take their picture right outside of this photo's frame, while I yelled at my child 100 times to stop whining and have fun already) stole his idea to "hold up" the rock. 


His mom's college campus and where his parents fell in love. Big nope.


Still not stirred. 


Rainbow art installations. Meh. 


And it was cold outside. 


Arches National Park. Got nothing for ya.


Stay tuned for the final version of the card that is probably less stirring than this post but also includes a quote. 

And just once this week, be not stirred in a group picture in honor of Enoch. If we can't preserve any other kind of human decency this week, let's go ahead and take the reins on the right to express our true feelings in group pictures.